If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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