i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
