genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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