Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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