If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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