Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
