watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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