just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
