think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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