can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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