When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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