when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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