I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
