why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
