this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
