Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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