The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
