duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Never joke about your clitoris.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
