Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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