My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
