cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
