he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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