booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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