you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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