I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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