Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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