Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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