U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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