My sheets look like a crime scene.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
