she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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