Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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