my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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