I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
