ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
