I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
