Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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