If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you didnt know i had herpes?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
