Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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