highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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