Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Randomize
