highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
