remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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