After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
