no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
