i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
