Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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