I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
