Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
