He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
