Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
