I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
