My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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