i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
